Red Heat

Arnold Schwarzeneggar (Terminator) stars in this interesting film early in his career as Ivan Danko, one of the top Russian Police Officers, who is sent to America to return an extradited Drug Dealer. Unfortunately, he escapes and kills a cop in the process, similar to his killing one of Ivan’s friends in Russia.

Now, in order to track him down, Ivan is paired with Art (John Belushi, Blues Brothers 2000), a slacker pervert fat cop, who is far to smart-mouthed for his own good.  

Together the two track down the drug dealer and enter a complex game of cat and mouse with a black drug cartel lead by a blind political fanatic. It gets pretty heavy and the violence is pretty raw, but it makes for a fun piece, and is a cool peak at culture surrounding the Cold War, when it was absurd to see Russians and Americans cooperating at all. Arnold’s accent does well in the role, as well. I give it a 2.

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

We first meet the most famous bandit as a soldier of the crusades imprisoned in Muslim controlled Jerusalem along with his dear friend Peter, the brother of Maid Marian. Robin (Kevin Costner, Field of Dreams) of course makes a daring and amazing escape, freeing a moore (Morgan Freeman, Deep Impact) in the process, but losing Peter to the archers above the city. 

Flash Forward and Robin returns to England, happy to be alive, but soon he is utterly destroyed by the facts centering around his home of Nottingham. The Sheriff (Allen Rickman, Die Hard) has bribed the Lords of the land to oppose the king in his absence, and those who did not join him he killed, including Robin’s Father, Lord Locksley. 

After losing his home, land, money and title, a run in with local foot soldiers forces him and his friends into hiding as outlaws, unable to be helped by Maid Marian. In the forests of Sherwood, he finds the true outlaws and determines that he has found the army which will stand against the wicked Sheriff.

This is a great modernization and adaptation from some of the hokier older versions of Robinhood, which include the animated version and the Arrel Flynn version. Those are so folksy, and ridiculous, this one is about heroism, and valor, and what it means to be a patriot, and a man. There are a lot of themes of people, and growing up, and what it means to come home, and I could go on and on, but this is one of the great epic movies of our time filled with good actors, and really fun setting, and really smooth, gritty story telling. 

My one beef with this movie is the absolute worst stage violence I have ever seen. The sowrd fight at the end is preposterous, and most of the violence in between, with the exception of the quarter staff duel, is absolutely stupid looking. Hire a choreographer please! But still a 2.

Parenthood

This is a fabulous look at the idea of parenting. It looks at three different generations, and focuses on the way that parenting of any kind takes place, and how it never ends. Gill (Steve Martin, Leap of Faith) is the principle character. He has three kids, and they are all exactly what he doesn’t want them to be: almost as screwed up as him. 

His dad, Jack (Jason Robards, Once Upon a Time in the West) is obsessed with his retirement coach, a cherry rolls Royce. When Mikey, Gills kid brother, shows up with 30,000$ gambling debts, it is an issue of how much you care for a child, and how much you discipline and correct them, when they’re grown.

Meanwhile, Gill’s sisters, Carol and the other one are both troubled, one is being smothered by her husbands persistant plans, while the other is divorced and never sees the Father of her children, as they near adulthood. He daughter is even getting married and expecting, while still in highschool.

Gill’s family takes center stage, as he sorts out little league, orthodontics, his job situation, and relating to his wife. Keanu Reeves (Speed) has a supportgin role, and he speaks of the nature of the beast in saying “You need a license to drive a car, to own a dog, but they’ll let any idiot become a father.” Parenting is challenging, and it’s easy for kids to become tense, scared, and make all sotrs of strange decisions.

It’s a very lighthearted approach to a very challenging and powerful concept. 2.

Eye of the Beholder

This movie is weird. It gets a 1, though Ewan McGregor (Trainspotting) gets props for a great performance as the Eye. An intelligence agent who is tracking a strange girl who is believed to be a blackmailer. Soon he realizes she is a savage and seductive killer, and a scared little girl all at the same time.

He becomes obsessed with her and chases her all over the country. The use of technology is pretty good for an earlier film, but on the whole this one stinks it up, and is not worth seeing, although the performances by McGregor and Ashley Judd (Kiss the Girls) are both well done, the plot is just too paper thin.

The whole thing boils down to a weird concept poorly executed, and jus isn’t worth it. Run away. Although there's a brief encounter with Jason Priestly (90210) which is pretty camp.

Eragon

Well, fans of the book series, the Inheritance Trilogy, were largely disspointed in this adaptation of part one. And with good cause. Although, if it’s at all direct in it’s adaptation, the book can’t be that much better, save in it’s descriptive elements.

This is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. It is a complete rip off of countless other movies and books which were most definitely published before it. It’s about Eragon, the titular character who as a boy of 17, becomes a “dragonrider”, a group who was thought to be extinct, save for the evil king, Gilbert Torix (John Malkovich, Con Air). He discovers that his new gift, includes a massive dragon to ride, as well as the instinct to use magic.

He is tutored and discipled by Brahm (Jeremy Irons, Die Hard With a Vengeance), who is a former dragon rider.

First of all, it’s a complete rip off of Star Wars Episode 4. Down to the most minute details, it shadows the plot, characters, character interactions and development, and even borrows the same dialogue in some cases. It’s an obscene rob job. It also steals elements from other fantasy series, most noteably the notion of magic from Ursula Leguins Earthsea Trilogy, and the notion of dragonriders from the Anne McCaffrey universe of Pern (Incidentally, it’s now impossible for the Dragonsong trilogy to be made into a movie, anytime soon, because of the preeminence of Eragon and it’s monumental box office failure). It’s also a poor parody of Dragonheart.

Even the titular characters name is unoriginal (It’s just dragon with an e instead of a d). This is total crap, and if I could, I’d give this 1 a Zero.

Grindhouse: Deathproof

This is by far Tarantino’s (Dir. Inglourious Basterds) worst movie. Originally drafted as part of a double header along with Richard Rodriguez’s Planet Terror, this movie along with Planet Terror are what the industry would colorfully refer to as throwbacks. Movie making is a fairly new medium, and it’s innovation has taken leaps and bounds in the last 4 decades. The movies of the 70’s were exploitation movies with little character or story development. It was simply an excuse to produce eye candy.

And Tarantino, with his extensive knowledge of film, takes on the exploitation formula in the broadest and quickest sense. It’s simple, get some pretty girls, some fowl language, some gnarly lookin’ guys and throw them together with some mayhem. The whole thing is pretty over the top ridiculous, and while there are noticeable homeage markers, overall, the film is just about as unbearable to watch as an exploitation film.

The one truly redeeming point of this movie is the titular aspect which is a car that is self-proclaimed as “deathproof” for the driver, one Stuntman Mike (Kurt Russell, Tango & Cash). Russell really sells the character and he is one you really love to hate. The rest of the cast, including Tarantino as an overweight bartender, are really flat, cardboard type ideas. 

The concept itself of a killer that romes around in a sinister black mustang is lofty enough, but the execution of the story is awkward at best. Unless you’re a diehard for tarantino, which I happen to be, this is a 1.

Cloverfield

This movie will make you want to vomit if you have motion sickness. There’s no real stopping and no real way to know how you’re gonna take this movie, so expectations should be low. BUT, this movie is HILARIOUS. I laughed the whole way through. This guy is getting ready to leave NYC, and it’s his going away part, he’s leaving for a job in Tokyo, which is a little tongue-in-cheek for JJ Abrams (Director, Star Trek) but it works.

He’s got this really pretty best friend, and then they sleep together, and then it gets weird. And she shows up and it’s all dramatic. But that’s not even the story. The story is, a monster attacks New York, and it looks like a giant sea tortoise without its shell, and it drops little spiny minsters from it’s hindparts. I know, grotesque, right?

The characters, the atmosphere and the style just take this incredibly poorly done movie and move it into the realm of the absurd, and as I said before, the comedy inherent in the dalogue and the mayhem is really priceless. 2 for me, but 1 for a normal, sane person.